Dirty Little Secrets

(Ever notice sometimes songs can define your feelings better than you can?)

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you

im looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you

(Avril Lavigne)

(This just feels appropriate today)

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

(Creed)

I think I found a method that is better than FlyLady (for me).

FlyLady has always suggested using "stickers" on your calendar in order to congratulate yourself on a completed job. I'm not a sticker person. So this method seemed ridiculous to me.

Oddly though, I found a Yahoo group called Purple CC which is a FlyLady type method. Instead of stickers, you give yourself points for jobs completed and give yourself a # goal for the end of the month.

These people are BRILLIANT.

I am an overachiever. What flybaby isn't? Honestly? I originally quit FlyLady because the routines really didn't work for me with my schedule and I couldn't comprehend how to fit it to my own lifestyle. Yet, this "new" system allows me to do daily and weekly challenges with what seems like a large amount of points for "easy" things. Hmphhh..I can earn 5 points for every glass of water I drink. How simple is that? (Okay, I hate water except during summer, but for 40 points...I'm drinking that water!)

At the end of the month, if I reach my goal, I can reward myself with whatever treat I decide I will deserve. Manicures, facials, a day at the mall window browsing, chocolate, music downloads, etc. Whatever I want! ME! I'm loving this concept.

I should admit, that since FlyLady has changed the format of sending out emails because of bouncing, I have been quite disappointed in her system. I did work on the Super Fling Boogie - I tossed around 250 pounds worth of stuff. But from what I've seen with this new group, I'll be getting rid of more faster. Gimme those points!!!

Would you believe that FlyLady sent out an email yesterday stating we should make sure the bathroom is clean and we have supplies prepared in case a family member gets the flu, it will be easier to clean.

I read it and disregarded it since my children are 11 and 15 and figured the email was really meant for the moms of toddlers or smaller children.

At 10:30 last night, my 11 year old got the flu. I had to clean messes in the bedroom and bathroom. At 2:30 this morning, the mess was again, in the bedroom and bathroom. He has made it to the bathroom several times now this morning, but again, there was a mess to clean in the dining room. I also had to change his sheets and comforter twice.

FlyLady knows...


Never apologize for telling your feelings, to do so only apologizes for telling the truth.

Life's a real bitch, isn't it?

As a kid you dream about growing up, going to college, getting the perfect career, getting married and staying with your soulmate for the rest of your life and having grandkids. That's what it's all about, right?

So why has my life been to such a shitty hell and back just to return to the shitty hell? What damned jinx lottery did I win? Oh sure, the choices we make in life help to determine the path that we will end on. But what about the choices that we don't make for ourselves? I didn't choose to have an alcoholic father that would emotionally abuse me to the point that I'm practically self-destructive these days.

Even the things I can control now - easy things - like paying the bills, paralyze me by a fear I cannot explain. I procrastinate like you wouldn't believe!!!

I realize I'm rambling. Deal with it. Slowly I may get to the point, that is, if I even have one. Right now, I'm just venting. I have so much to share and no idea where to begin.

Do I share about my father and the hell he put me thru?
Do I share about the drugs I've used and abused?
Do I share about my pregnancy at age 16 and the premature birth?
Do I share about my first marriage at 17 and his prison time 6 months later?
Do I share about my second marriage and his drug/alcohol abuse?
Do I share about the infidelities of every guy that has cheated on me?
Do I share about my van being stolen while crossing a strike line to support my kids?
Do I share about my third marriage to my 2nd's ex's best friend?
Do I share my experience with a "friend" who turned out to be a child molester that hung around my boys?
Do I share about the depression I've suffered on and off for what seems my entire life but I'm just getting help for now?
Do I complain about dumbass politicians? Like the ones that complain the state of Michigan has no money but wants to change the state bird?
Do I share the knowledge that FlyLady has given me and some of the burdens she has allowed me to release? (http://www.flylady.com)
Do I, Do I, Do I?

Time will tell...

Never apologize for telling others your feelings, to do so only apologizes for telling the truth. *Author Unknown*